The Politically Correct Tale of Tinuviel
by The Battling Bard
Summary: Anyone else think Tolkien is sexist and racist? Well this is the cure for you. Tolkien's legendary tale of love, bravery and sacrifice rewritten for our politically correct times.
1. The Meeting

Disclaimer: This is a comment on our increasingly ludicrous politically correct society- probably more relevant in Britain that most places. Basically it is a shameless rip of James Horners 'Politically correct Bed Tme Stories' With Tolkien levered in

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Once upon a time, there was a young person who was not at all unpleasant to look at; her name was Luthien the Fair. This being indicative of the discriminatory notions of associating beauty with goodness, and evil with ugliness. Thus at an early age, Luthien was an unwitting, if fortunate target for this type of vacuous thinking.

Whilst dancing and singing in the woods one day- Luthien being confident enough in her own budding sexuality to let such an obvious cliché bother her- happened upon a man named Beren, who by the state of his apparel, was apparently unfettered by the confines of regular employment; not to be presumptuous of course, as this may be his own personal style, this being a vital cog in a well balanced society.

Beren was struck by her beauty, and was not shy of telling her, being of sound mind and with his own, entirely valid, world view.

"Your attraction is based fully on physical looks, and as a mature female of full mental capacity, I resent the idea that you are attracted only to my beauty." Luthien replied, after listening to his proclamations of love for her. "However" she continued "I will forgive your sexist remarks as your traditional status as an outcast of society has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, world view. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.


	2. The Polyphonic Coordination Consultant

The moon was gleaming through the inky black sky and Varda's stars twinkled merrily through the tall trees of Doriath as Beren searched in vain for the fair maid Luthien. Because of Berens status as an outcast of society, this freed him from slavish adherence to the linear, socially accepted rules of polite society. Thus, his actions cannot be classed as crazed stalking.

Day and night he searched for Luthien in vain, for she had retired to her fathers abode, not through fear of the man, but to continue her historical studies in the contribution of Men and Dwarves to the rich fabric of Middle-earth.

Verily, she returned to her clearing, this time accompanied by her brother, the minstrel Dairon; or Polyphonic Co-ordination Consultant as he may prefer to be called.

Striking up a jaunty tune, as was custom, Luthien began to dance. It was then Dairon noticed the sinister looking man hiding behind the bushes, who, by the state of his apparel, appeared to be unfettered by the confines of regular employment, and worse, appeared to be human, and thus a wholly unsuitable match for the young noble elf.

"Flee Tinuviel, Flee!" He cried, "There is a human man, who by the state of his apparel, is unfettered by the confines of regular employment!" Luthien turned to her brother, hands on hips.

"Excuse me, but as a mature and capable female of full mental capacity, I resent the idea that you believe me to need a male to fend off unwanted advances; if indeed it is unwanted, for I would never presume to judge a male by his race or socio-economic status." Scowling deeply she cried "Sexist! Speciesist!" And Luthien thought hard 'am I guilty of the same judgmental prejudice as my unenlightened brother? Maybe I should give this strange male a chance, employed, or not.' Recognizing overwhelming defeat, Dairon left the pair, being fully aware of the sanctity of a females conviction.

"Who are thou?" Luthien cried, turning to the stranger.

"I am Beren, from across the Bitter Hills, and I would have you teach me to dance, Tinuviel!" And in this way, they travelled the winding paths to the abode of Tinwelint and the deep halls of her home. 


	3. Tinwelint: Father In Law From Angband

Upon a time, our intrepid heroes came upon the abode of Luthien's father, Tinwelint, who also happened to be the elected leader of the inhabitants of the bio-forested region of Doriath.

When, however, Beren found himself before before the king he was abashed. And of the stateliness of Gwendeling, Tinwelint's elected co-leader, who was, as her daughter, of above average attractiveness, he was in great awe, and behold when the king said: "Who art thou that stumbleth into my halls unbidden?" He had nought to say.

Now, as you may imagine, a lifetime believing in the inherent superiority of the Sindar and the absolute legitimacy of the monarchy had turned the king into a vain, wisdom challenged tyrant.

Upon hearing of Beren and Luthiens love for each other he laughed heartily.

"Why! Wed my Tinuviel cleverest of the maidens of the world, and become an elected leader of the inhabitants of this bio-forested region- 'tis but a little boon for a stranger to ask," quoth Tinwelint. "Haply I may with right ask somewhat in return. Nothing great shall it be, a token only of thy esteem. Bring me a Silmaril from the crown of Melko, and that day Tinuviel weds thee, an she will."

"Indeed, for love of your daughter, I would commit myself to such a quest, for she is the cleverest and wittiest of all persons I have seen or dreamed of. And the Silmarils surely belong in your possession, and are so rare in beauty, they can only be looked upon by certain people. The kind of people you have in your realm. People who are politically correct, morally righteous, intellectually astute, culturally tolerant, and who don't drink, dance or laugh at racist jokes.

After some thought, the king looked upon Beren with a modecambe of admiration. For he was flattered by the fascist and testosterone heavy idea that his realm and it's inhabitants existed only to make him look good. It would be like having a trophy wife and multiplying the feeling by 100,000.

And so it happened that Beren embarked upon this perilous quest,and who knows what he shall chance upon the way, for this tale has just begun. 


End file.
